Falalala lalalala..

down we now our gay apparel....I always related to that line....

The holidays are here, and just a few weeks ago, I was dreading them as they approached. Now I am actually looking forward to them, for more than 1 reason.

First reason - AJ and I are spending the holiday's together. Christmas eve, and Christmas day we are going to cook and enjoy a christmas dinner together. Not huge plans, but vVERY special all the same.

Second reason - My 87 year old grandmother, who's health has rapidly gone down hill over the past few months (she been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, dementia and heart failure) Heck she's 87 what do you expect? Up until about a year ago, she was living alone and carrying for herself, now she is almost totally dependent on the people around her. Her home recently burned down and she lost almost everything that had any significant meaning for her. I grew up watching this strong, independent women who was very unhappy and mean. From what I've said you must be thinking "how can he be happy about her circumstances". I'm happy for 2 reasons... she's happy for the first time in her life. She's a sweet little old lady and I actually enjoy being around her. the other reason is that she recently got out of the hospital so I actually get to spend some time with her and will be able to remember her as "happy"

Merry Christmas to everyone who may read this.. and a very special merry christmas to AJ. I love you.

Nothing Insightful

to say today. I haven't written anything in a few days, but things have certainly been "developing". AJ and I, as I mentioned before, have been talking more. We actually attended our first conseling session yesterday, which I hope turns out to be productive. AJ has had some major revelations over the past few weeks. Very good insights into himself. A lot of this is thanks to some very good friends who have been able to help him see things objectively.

I myself have been on a mission of "discovery" of my own. I, like AJ, often find myself in need of "external validation". This seems to be a common genotype on the gay gene.

My ignorance to AJ's signals of love and affection has also become evident. Yes, I do think he can do a better job of showing me respect and making me feel prioritized and special to him, but I do need to acknowledge the steps he has taken.

Will AJ and I work through OUR issues and problems, first as individuals, then as a couple and make it after all (sounds like the Mary Tyler Moore theme). Only time will tell, but the odds seem to have certainly shifted!

Maybe I'm from Missouri...

I am the type of person that sees people by their actions more than their words. AJ has recently revealed to me that he sees how he did not make me feel "special" in our relationship. He discovered an email I sent to him in October, basically crying out for help. Unfortunately, it has taken to this point for him to realize how I was feeling.

During our relationship he often "said the right things" but his actions displayed something totally different. I want go into specifics here, but I didn't only want to here his words, I wanted to see it in his actions.

Yesterday as we were talking, he again tells me how much he wants me back, how much I mean to him and he is sorry for everything that didn't go correctly. He was sorry for not making me feel like I was his priority and he would do anything to get me back, that he is a changed man and will do whatever he can to show me what I mean to him. Within a few minutes he tells me about the successful Doctor from Chicago, with the "body of a greek god" that he is driving to Atlanta to meet this weekend. during the last few times we have talked, I consistently hearing of someone else he has met, or someone he thinks is impressive. Is this showing me how much I mean to him? Is he only doing this to hurt me? I don't know, but regardless, it isn't a good thing.

I know I told him not to wait on me and for him to be the person that he needs to be. Again, he is sending mixed signals to me.... do I believe his words or his actions? Words that sound wonderful, but actions that hurt me. The question I must answer for myself is, regardless of my feelings for him, can I share my life with someone who says one thing and does another.

At this point I have 3 options. 1/ Forget all my concerns and ask him to come back to me. (not likely to happen here until I answer some questions for myself). 2/ Continue along the path I am on now, hoping a brick will hit me in the head, or him. Perhaps then we could see what we need to do and do it. 3/ walk away.

Perhaps he will fall in love with the "Greek God" and my decision will be obvious.

emotional confusion...

Well I couldn't take the feelings I was having any longer without talking to someone, someone I felt that needed to hear them. AJ and I met yesterday and I shared with him my feelings....the ones I'm trying to sort through, trying to understand. We had a very Productive, long and emotional talk, that continued after returning home. We discussed many facets of our current and past situation, where we thought things had gone wrong, and if there was anything we could do to make us as individuals better, for our future relationships, whether that be with each other, or others.

I felt good when the conversation was over. I think maybe AJ understands me a bit more, and I him. I continue to be VERY confused. I know there are feelings present in me that goes beyond the idea of just "missing" him or jealousy. What those feelings are I don't know at this point. The other thing I have to address eventually is, can I function successfully and happily in a romantic relationship with AJ? Can I give him what he needs (trust, support, understanding from a HAPPY partner) and still get everything I need from such a relationship. That remains to be seen.

AJ and I agreed to continue to talk and discuss our feelings and work on ourselves. I also told him to please carry on with his life and don't wait on me. I don't know at this moment where this emotional roller coaster will stop. I told him that I understood, and actually encouraged him to see other people. However, when he mentions other people he has met or is going to meet it evokes feelings that I cannot suppress and I have unfairly expressed those feelings to AJ. Here I am trying to be supportive one second and the next being an ass. I guess it is all interrelated.

Could someone do the easy thing for me???

New beginings??

Well it has been over 2 days since I spoke with AJ. I came to Atlanta for the 1st time since we met by myself. While I've enjoyed my time away from home and seeing friends and spending tiime with new ones, I must say I miss AJ incredibly.

I can't quite explain the feelings I'm having right now... I know I miss him, but there is something more to it... something that is nagging, burning, feelings that are cropping up that are unrecognizable.

Everybody plays the fool..

Well it has been a difficult couple of weeks I must say. It seems that regardless of how much faith you put into someone, they will inevitibly let you down.

Last night I had to do the most difficult thing that I care to remember. I had to sit and look AJ in the eyes and tell him that I am not in love with him. It seems he could understand this entire situation without me saying those words. I feel I've hurt him horribly. It is not in my nature to cause another human pain. My natural instinct is to love and heal, not harm. I feel like I ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. I will truly always regret having to say those words and cause the pain that I did, and that he still feels. AJ is the most wonderful man I've ever met and it is hard to imagine that the mechanics and emotional needs aren't being met between us. I thought he was everything I would ever need by my side, but I guess most of all, I need someone that I can love as much as they love me. I am sorry for all the tears I've caused.

As usual, while I was crying like a little bitch, CA phoned with his uncanny timing. He always knows when to call somehow, even though he is 2000 miles away. Thanks to him for being there when I need him. He is truly a very special friend and will always will be.

I had a great weekend with my wonderful friend Myra, who I've known for 18 years. She came down from Chicago and we had a fantastic visit. Sharing old times, and new experiences together. Long and "enlightening" conversations. Myra has certainly grown over the years, and she has been an inspiration to me. Opening up new horizons I never imagined.

Life goes on, just at a new crossroads and I'm not sure which way to turn. I know the path may be lonely, but I'm prepared for that.

pain...

My Heart is hurting, but I don't want it to stop
My face is covered with tears, yet I want to cry
I am lonely, but want to be alone
I need to held, but don't want to be touched
My lyte is dimming, but will it brighten?

light switch...

A few days since my last entry and I must say, I've run the full gament of emotions. From crying my eyes out, to dark deep loniless, a feeling of wandering aimlessly without an direction or anyone to lead you.

AJ, like me, is having a difficult time like I am. He is dealing with it in his own way. I wish I could be the strength he needs right now, but heck, I can't even be strong for myself. I have on numerous occasions thought about taking him into my arms, telling him everything will be ok and let's start over. However, unless we both can make some changes with how we relate to each other and express our needs, then this effort would be fruitless. We would be giving the wounds time to scab, only to abrate them off once again.

Can I get a surgical revision and antibiotic ointment?

I love you AJ. I'm still here.

Where do I go from here?

The last 24 hours have been eventful. Not sure if I should classify the events as "fortunate" or "unfortunate". All I know is I feel like someone stomped on my heart. AJ and I have decided that for happiness sake, that we should not date any longer. I wish we could have been what each of us needed, but reagrdless of the efforts, the voids weren't filled and expectations were not met. AJ is a wonderful man and truly deserve someone that will be what he needs and make him happy. I want more than anything to remain his friend, and if that is all I can get, so be it.

Thanks to my very dear friend CA for being there for me, as usual. He has an uncanny knack of knowing when to call. I'm am closer to CA than any friend that I have. We don't talk as often as we would like or see each as much as we like, but despite the distance we both know what we mean to each other.

So the question is... "where do I go from here?"

pros and cons

We enter relationships (either friendship or other) for a purpose. We all have "needs" that have to be filled and expectations of each relationship (at least this is my way of looking at things.. I could be totally wrong or misguided). All people involved must feel like their needs and expectations are being met. In order for this to occur, those involved must be able to fulfill the needs of the other parties. If this is not happening, then simply something has to be done. The relationship must be altered one way or another.

I know, ramblings of a mad man.

Insigtful

A friend of mine sent this to me... maybe we should listen....

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - iconoclastic and
mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write
something so very eloquent ...and so very
appropriate post 9-11.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

hauntings..

Ever made some decision in your life, that once you looked back you think "what would have happened if"? It is amazing how 1 decision can influence your life either positively or negatively for years to come. Unfortunately, we have no way of predicting what impact these decisions could have. We have to learn to deal with them and move on with our lives. Perhaps never knowing what could have been.

Old and New....

The presidential election has come and gone. It's hard to believe that with all this country has been through with civil rights, that productive, tax paying citizens of this country can be oppressed and denied rights that others have. The "leader" of our country can attempt to change the basis of our constitution from a document that gives rights, to a document that denies rights. DAMN Canada.. if it weren't so cold, I'd be there! Blame the Canucks!

I've been on vacation this week, which has been enjoyable. Haven't gone anyplace, but I've enjoyed being around the house and catching up on things that needed to be done. I've also been involved with homecoming this week. Yesterday I participated in the Gurney derby race. I have to admit, it was fun. I spent time with friends I haven't spent enough time with lately and saw some people I haven't seen in a while.

Over the past few weeks, I've been taking AJ's lead. I've been trying to meet new people and make new friends. I have met some very nice people, who will probably turn into very good friends. Of course AJ has been giving me hell, just because I gave him so much grief while he was in DC. I truly know he doesn't mean anything by it, only to turn the tables a bit.

So here's to old friendships, and new ones... may they grow stronger over time.

Finally....

Well AJ is home. He's spent the last 6 weeks in DC and he really enjoyed himself. Quite frankly, I'm sure he didn't want to come home. He doesn't like our current locale, he's more of a "big city" kinda guy. A guy that likes a place where there is a sense of community, which is nonexistent where we are. He met lots of people and will probably keep in touch with most of them.

I admit it, I had a much harder time with the "separation" than AJ did. Quite frankly I was miserable most of the time, and unfortunately, I took my unhappiness out on him. I'm not saying that I agreed with everything he did while he was there, I am saying that I handled myself poorly. Hopefully, this will make us stronger.

On the next note, last weekend we had a great weekend in New Orleans. Our and my first trip for Halloween. I spent a lot of time on our costumes, which turned out to be popular with people carrying cameras. AJ, his best friend and I, all had the same costume (with the color being the only difference). We attracted a lot of attention, which was entertaining in itself.

We spent lots of time dancing and socializing with people we hadn't seen in a while, who we should probably see more often. We also met some interesting people as well.

We've already began costume plans for next year, so I guess that means we had a good time.

"hypocrisy"

""hypocrite: a person's whose actions contradict their stated or internal beliefs." (the psychology of hypocrisy). Hypocrisy = beliefs - actions. Some feel that humans have an innate tendency to keep their hypocrisy at zero, meaning they have a desire to keep their beliefs and actions equal. When hypocrisy equals anything other than zero, an anxiety will exist inside the individual. These imbalances can linger for years in honest objective people and only seconds for bias rationalizers.

External Honest External hypocrites: Their stated beliefs contraindicate their actions. However, their stated beliefs are consistent with their actual internal beliefs. They have strong convictions but do not always follow through.

Thanks AJ for the revelation. 1 4 3

the beast within

I often find myself becoming very "jealous" (for lack of a better word) when AJ shares stories with me. I'm attempting to search within myself to understand these feelings, not only what these exact feelings are, but why they exist at all.

Tonight, AJ shared with me he went to dinner with someone he met at the gym. This same someone was very flirtatous with AJ when they first met. He preceded to tell me that this guy is very nice, intelligent and he enjoyed spending time with him. When I heard this story, I immediately felt this "jealousy"(again for lack of a better word). I unfortunately made my emotions very obvious to AJ, and he in turn got upset with me. This in itself is another issue.

I don't quite understand these emotions or why they occur. I'm not sure if it is due to my own unassurance in myself or if they stem from my general lack of trust for most gay men. In my experience, most gay men are dogs, they have no respect for anyone's relationship and are not afraid to test boundries.

Perhaps these emotions are partly due to way AJ and I began. I equate it to "simmering". AJ, by history, has kept a pot "simmering" in the back while he decides what he wants. This is how we began. Shortly after meeting AJ, he wanted me to meet a "friend" from NC. He failed to tell me that this person had a romantic interest in him. This incident was very uncomfortable for me. In fact, this situation continued for several months. He was showing signs that he wanted to date me, but in the background, there was always this "friend". When exactly AJ was upfront with this other person has never been quite clear, but eventually the pot simmering on the back eye was turned off.

Like I mentioned before, I am not sure how to describe my emotions. The first step, I imagine is trying to understand why I feel the way I do, then perhaps I can understand the emotions, then maybe know how to deal with them.

AJ is the only man I've ever dated, where I felt I could unequivocally trust him. However, I do not know if he would begin the "simmering" again if he thought perhaps our relationship was in trouble.

I really haven't gone into my past experiences or relationships, but I can tell you, that my past has not been a shining jewel. My last relationship, (which lasted way to long) consisted of 2 people who cared for each other, but did not respect each other. Neither one of us was totally honest with the other, which certainly bares harm for a relationship. Most people I encountered while in this situation were not good people. They had absolutely less respect for my relationship than I did, which wasn't much. Of course we all know people or have experience these types of people. Unfortunately my view has been skewed, perhaps in the wrong direction, because the majority of the gay men I've crossed paths with can fit this description.

I've mentioned before that my self esteem is seriously lacking. I think this is an innate characteristic of most gay men, however I do feel the experience I mentioned above has played into this a lot.

Perhaps all these factors play a role in these emotions that I have. Most of all, I'm scared. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared that perhaps someone will steal AJ away from me. Maybe there is someone out there AJ will find more "intriguing" than myself. Someone he will put on the back burner and start the "simmering" process. If for any reason, our relationship, as it stands now was to end, and he began seeing someone he made "friends" with while seeing me, I would be crushed and feel like nothing more than a fool.

Perhaps with more exploration, and hopefully discussion of these emotions, I will understand them more fully. AJ is a fantastic person, and I know he will allow me time, and assist me in sorting through this so that I can give him the respect and caring he deserves.

I LOVE YOU AJ - please help me to get this monkey off my back.

"field goal"

I went to a football game tonight, which was exciting, not only for the game on the field, but getting to spend time with my family. College football games have become almost a family event. My dad usually always attends, as well as my brother, my sister - in - law and my nephews and niece. We all get together before the game and tailgate, then sit at the game together. This is really the most time we get to spend together as a family.

As I was watching the game it came time for the field goal kicker to attempt a 42 yarder and help the team pull ahead. He missed. Of course most everyone on one side of the stadium was quite upset, blaming everything on him. What most people forget is that kicking is based on a lot of factors, first the snap, then the holder, then of course the kicker. Let's not forget the line which has to keep someone from blocking the kick. If one thing is off, then chances are, so is the kick.

The same is true for relationships. A lot of times when things do not go exactly as planned, we want to point our fingers at one thing instead of looking at the big picture. In fact we take a lot for granted, including each other.

As time goes on and 2 people become more comfortable with each other, we often take for granted the little things that make a relationship special, or makes our partner feel special. A phone call just to say your thinking about them. A thank you for a trip to a movie, or a good time hanging out. A hug just to say "I love you". A lot of time just the simplist thing can make all the difference, perhaps showing up for dinner on time when someone is cooking for you.

We all are guilty of getting to "comfortable" and taking the people around us for granted.

It isn't a difficult thing to show someone you care and make them feel special. It is more difficult to get through the hurt feelings when we don't.

"quirks"

my mind is full of thoughts tonight and I'm having trouble sorting through them. AJ is away in DC for a few weeks and I miss him incredibly. I speak with him on the phone a few times a day. Everytime I hear his voice, I can almost feel his happiness through the phone. He's really enjoying being back in DC and seeing friends.

He apparently is also getting a lot of attention for the boys and he is enjoying every second of it. He, like me and 95.6% of all other gay men has a self esteem issue, so when someone gives him some attention.... well, you get the point. I really understand that. However having known AJ for some time now, he can unknowingly give off the wrong vibe, or the wrong impression.

I also sometimes don't understand certain thought processes or what he is looking for out of a situation. For instance, going to a bar alone. I could understand if he knew someone there, or was going with friends, but why alone? Most people go out alone to be around other people or meet other people. I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to meet someone in a bar, most times, whomever he meets is going to get the wrong impression. This I certainly don't understand. I'm afraid if I question him, he'll think I'm suspicious or trying to say he did something wrong, when that is not the case, I just want to understand.

A major component of life in is about "understanding" or "discovery". Which is certainly true in relationships as well.

The begining

Well this is my first entry into my blog. I've been thinking about putting a few thoughts down on paper, so that others may see my life, interesting or uninteresting, and perhaps through all this I'll get to know myself a little better.

I've been seeing a wonderful, untypical guy for 16months and 7 days (but who's counting). Untypical perhaps may not be the best descriptive word for AJ, but the best I can think of at the moment. He keeps my life interesting by challenging my ideas and often making me think harder than I want to. I can thank him for making me examine why I feel the way I do about certain things. We are very different individuals, but yet we have so many similarities. We really compliment each other well. I do sometimes wish he understood what makes me tick, (of course I often question whether I know what makes me tick). Perhaps he will read this and gather some insight into someone that loves him very much.

I regard myself as a simple guy, however I realize more everyday that I'm not as simple as I once thought, in fact, I've discovered that I'm quite complicated. Sometimes unsure of where my ideals orginated, or how my opinions and views were formed. Why is Why? What is is?

I think I have strong morals and standards, and try to stick to them, however as humans we often fail. That doesn't mean that we quit trying or stop striving to do better, not only by those around us, but more importantly, ourselves.

Just a little history about me. I consider myself a southerner, which as most people know, is a culture on it's on. Unfortunately, this day and age, true southern hospitality is hard to come by. I was born and raised in Alabama, which by all accounts is like most other places. It has it good points and bad points, which will be evident as time goes on. I'm 36 and am blessed to work in healthcare. I truly enjoy the work I do and the people I care for. The healthcare industry does have it's problems, but there are those that are in the field for the right reasons.

My view of life is in stages, and I've reached the "self discovery" stage. I'm searching for what life has to offer and what I have to offer life, perhaps I mean my "purpose" and our purpose as human beings. There is certainly more to existance than the obvious, and hopefully we all discover what exactly is.