the beast within

I often find myself becoming very "jealous" (for lack of a better word) when AJ shares stories with me. I'm attempting to search within myself to understand these feelings, not only what these exact feelings are, but why they exist at all.

Tonight, AJ shared with me he went to dinner with someone he met at the gym. This same someone was very flirtatous with AJ when they first met. He preceded to tell me that this guy is very nice, intelligent and he enjoyed spending time with him. When I heard this story, I immediately felt this "jealousy"(again for lack of a better word). I unfortunately made my emotions very obvious to AJ, and he in turn got upset with me. This in itself is another issue.

I don't quite understand these emotions or why they occur. I'm not sure if it is due to my own unassurance in myself or if they stem from my general lack of trust for most gay men. In my experience, most gay men are dogs, they have no respect for anyone's relationship and are not afraid to test boundries.

Perhaps these emotions are partly due to way AJ and I began. I equate it to "simmering". AJ, by history, has kept a pot "simmering" in the back while he decides what he wants. This is how we began. Shortly after meeting AJ, he wanted me to meet a "friend" from NC. He failed to tell me that this person had a romantic interest in him. This incident was very uncomfortable for me. In fact, this situation continued for several months. He was showing signs that he wanted to date me, but in the background, there was always this "friend". When exactly AJ was upfront with this other person has never been quite clear, but eventually the pot simmering on the back eye was turned off.

Like I mentioned before, I am not sure how to describe my emotions. The first step, I imagine is trying to understand why I feel the way I do, then perhaps I can understand the emotions, then maybe know how to deal with them.

AJ is the only man I've ever dated, where I felt I could unequivocally trust him. However, I do not know if he would begin the "simmering" again if he thought perhaps our relationship was in trouble.

I really haven't gone into my past experiences or relationships, but I can tell you, that my past has not been a shining jewel. My last relationship, (which lasted way to long) consisted of 2 people who cared for each other, but did not respect each other. Neither one of us was totally honest with the other, which certainly bares harm for a relationship. Most people I encountered while in this situation were not good people. They had absolutely less respect for my relationship than I did, which wasn't much. Of course we all know people or have experience these types of people. Unfortunately my view has been skewed, perhaps in the wrong direction, because the majority of the gay men I've crossed paths with can fit this description.

I've mentioned before that my self esteem is seriously lacking. I think this is an innate characteristic of most gay men, however I do feel the experience I mentioned above has played into this a lot.

Perhaps all these factors play a role in these emotions that I have. Most of all, I'm scared. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared that perhaps someone will steal AJ away from me. Maybe there is someone out there AJ will find more "intriguing" than myself. Someone he will put on the back burner and start the "simmering" process. If for any reason, our relationship, as it stands now was to end, and he began seeing someone he made "friends" with while seeing me, I would be crushed and feel like nothing more than a fool.

Perhaps with more exploration, and hopefully discussion of these emotions, I will understand them more fully. AJ is a fantastic person, and I know he will allow me time, and assist me in sorting through this so that I can give him the respect and caring he deserves.

I LOVE YOU AJ - please help me to get this monkey off my back.