Well it has been a difficult couple of weeks I must say. It seems that regardless of how much faith you put into someone, they will inevitibly let you down.
Last night I had to do the most difficult thing that I care to remember. I had to sit and look AJ in the eyes and tell him that I am not in love with him. It seems he could understand this entire situation without me saying those words. I feel I've hurt him horribly. It is not in my nature to cause another human pain. My natural instinct is to love and heal, not harm. I feel like I ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. I will truly always regret having to say those words and cause the pain that I did, and that he still feels. AJ is the most wonderful man I've ever met and it is hard to imagine that the mechanics and emotional needs aren't being met between us. I thought he was everything I would ever need by my side, but I guess most of all, I need someone that I can love as much as they love me. I am sorry for all the tears I've caused.
As usual, while I was crying like a little bitch, CA phoned with his uncanny timing. He always knows when to call somehow, even though he is 2000 miles away. Thanks to him for being there when I need him. He is truly a very special friend and will always will be.
I had a great weekend with my wonderful friend Myra, who I've known for 18 years. She came down from Chicago and we had a fantastic visit. Sharing old times, and new experiences together. Long and "enlightening" conversations. Myra has certainly grown over the years, and she has been an inspiration to me. Opening up new horizons I never imagined.
Life goes on, just at a new crossroads and I'm not sure which way to turn. I know the path may be lonely, but I'm prepared for that.
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