pain...

My Heart is hurting, but I don't want it to stop
My face is covered with tears, yet I want to cry
I am lonely, but want to be alone
I need to held, but don't want to be touched
My lyte is dimming, but will it brighten?

light switch...

A few days since my last entry and I must say, I've run the full gament of emotions. From crying my eyes out, to dark deep loniless, a feeling of wandering aimlessly without an direction or anyone to lead you.

AJ, like me, is having a difficult time like I am. He is dealing with it in his own way. I wish I could be the strength he needs right now, but heck, I can't even be strong for myself. I have on numerous occasions thought about taking him into my arms, telling him everything will be ok and let's start over. However, unless we both can make some changes with how we relate to each other and express our needs, then this effort would be fruitless. We would be giving the wounds time to scab, only to abrate them off once again.

Can I get a surgical revision and antibiotic ointment?

I love you AJ. I'm still here.

Where do I go from here?

The last 24 hours have been eventful. Not sure if I should classify the events as "fortunate" or "unfortunate". All I know is I feel like someone stomped on my heart. AJ and I have decided that for happiness sake, that we should not date any longer. I wish we could have been what each of us needed, but reagrdless of the efforts, the voids weren't filled and expectations were not met. AJ is a wonderful man and truly deserve someone that will be what he needs and make him happy. I want more than anything to remain his friend, and if that is all I can get, so be it.

Thanks to my very dear friend CA for being there for me, as usual. He has an uncanny knack of knowing when to call. I'm am closer to CA than any friend that I have. We don't talk as often as we would like or see each as much as we like, but despite the distance we both know what we mean to each other.

So the question is... "where do I go from here?"

pros and cons

We enter relationships (either friendship or other) for a purpose. We all have "needs" that have to be filled and expectations of each relationship (at least this is my way of looking at things.. I could be totally wrong or misguided). All people involved must feel like their needs and expectations are being met. In order for this to occur, those involved must be able to fulfill the needs of the other parties. If this is not happening, then simply something has to be done. The relationship must be altered one way or another.

I know, ramblings of a mad man.

Insigtful

A friend of mine sent this to me... maybe we should listen....

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - iconoclastic and
mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write
something so very eloquent ...and so very
appropriate post 9-11.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

hauntings..

Ever made some decision in your life, that once you looked back you think "what would have happened if"? It is amazing how 1 decision can influence your life either positively or negatively for years to come. Unfortunately, we have no way of predicting what impact these decisions could have. We have to learn to deal with them and move on with our lives. Perhaps never knowing what could have been.

Old and New....

The presidential election has come and gone. It's hard to believe that with all this country has been through with civil rights, that productive, tax paying citizens of this country can be oppressed and denied rights that others have. The "leader" of our country can attempt to change the basis of our constitution from a document that gives rights, to a document that denies rights. DAMN Canada.. if it weren't so cold, I'd be there! Blame the Canucks!

I've been on vacation this week, which has been enjoyable. Haven't gone anyplace, but I've enjoyed being around the house and catching up on things that needed to be done. I've also been involved with homecoming this week. Yesterday I participated in the Gurney derby race. I have to admit, it was fun. I spent time with friends I haven't spent enough time with lately and saw some people I haven't seen in a while.

Over the past few weeks, I've been taking AJ's lead. I've been trying to meet new people and make new friends. I have met some very nice people, who will probably turn into very good friends. Of course AJ has been giving me hell, just because I gave him so much grief while he was in DC. I truly know he doesn't mean anything by it, only to turn the tables a bit.

So here's to old friendships, and new ones... may they grow stronger over time.

Finally....

Well AJ is home. He's spent the last 6 weeks in DC and he really enjoyed himself. Quite frankly, I'm sure he didn't want to come home. He doesn't like our current locale, he's more of a "big city" kinda guy. A guy that likes a place where there is a sense of community, which is nonexistent where we are. He met lots of people and will probably keep in touch with most of them.

I admit it, I had a much harder time with the "separation" than AJ did. Quite frankly I was miserable most of the time, and unfortunately, I took my unhappiness out on him. I'm not saying that I agreed with everything he did while he was there, I am saying that I handled myself poorly. Hopefully, this will make us stronger.

On the next note, last weekend we had a great weekend in New Orleans. Our and my first trip for Halloween. I spent a lot of time on our costumes, which turned out to be popular with people carrying cameras. AJ, his best friend and I, all had the same costume (with the color being the only difference). We attracted a lot of attention, which was entertaining in itself.

We spent lots of time dancing and socializing with people we hadn't seen in a while, who we should probably see more often. We also met some interesting people as well.

We've already began costume plans for next year, so I guess that means we had a good time.