the beast within

I often find myself becoming very "jealous" (for lack of a better word) when AJ shares stories with me. I'm attempting to search within myself to understand these feelings, not only what these exact feelings are, but why they exist at all.

Tonight, AJ shared with me he went to dinner with someone he met at the gym. This same someone was very flirtatous with AJ when they first met. He preceded to tell me that this guy is very nice, intelligent and he enjoyed spending time with him. When I heard this story, I immediately felt this "jealousy"(again for lack of a better word). I unfortunately made my emotions very obvious to AJ, and he in turn got upset with me. This in itself is another issue.

I don't quite understand these emotions or why they occur. I'm not sure if it is due to my own unassurance in myself or if they stem from my general lack of trust for most gay men. In my experience, most gay men are dogs, they have no respect for anyone's relationship and are not afraid to test boundries.

Perhaps these emotions are partly due to way AJ and I began. I equate it to "simmering". AJ, by history, has kept a pot "simmering" in the back while he decides what he wants. This is how we began. Shortly after meeting AJ, he wanted me to meet a "friend" from NC. He failed to tell me that this person had a romantic interest in him. This incident was very uncomfortable for me. In fact, this situation continued for several months. He was showing signs that he wanted to date me, but in the background, there was always this "friend". When exactly AJ was upfront with this other person has never been quite clear, but eventually the pot simmering on the back eye was turned off.

Like I mentioned before, I am not sure how to describe my emotions. The first step, I imagine is trying to understand why I feel the way I do, then perhaps I can understand the emotions, then maybe know how to deal with them.

AJ is the only man I've ever dated, where I felt I could unequivocally trust him. However, I do not know if he would begin the "simmering" again if he thought perhaps our relationship was in trouble.

I really haven't gone into my past experiences or relationships, but I can tell you, that my past has not been a shining jewel. My last relationship, (which lasted way to long) consisted of 2 people who cared for each other, but did not respect each other. Neither one of us was totally honest with the other, which certainly bares harm for a relationship. Most people I encountered while in this situation were not good people. They had absolutely less respect for my relationship than I did, which wasn't much. Of course we all know people or have experience these types of people. Unfortunately my view has been skewed, perhaps in the wrong direction, because the majority of the gay men I've crossed paths with can fit this description.

I've mentioned before that my self esteem is seriously lacking. I think this is an innate characteristic of most gay men, however I do feel the experience I mentioned above has played into this a lot.

Perhaps all these factors play a role in these emotions that I have. Most of all, I'm scared. Scared of being hurt or hurting someone else. Scared that perhaps someone will steal AJ away from me. Maybe there is someone out there AJ will find more "intriguing" than myself. Someone he will put on the back burner and start the "simmering" process. If for any reason, our relationship, as it stands now was to end, and he began seeing someone he made "friends" with while seeing me, I would be crushed and feel like nothing more than a fool.

Perhaps with more exploration, and hopefully discussion of these emotions, I will understand them more fully. AJ is a fantastic person, and I know he will allow me time, and assist me in sorting through this so that I can give him the respect and caring he deserves.

I LOVE YOU AJ - please help me to get this monkey off my back.

"field goal"

I went to a football game tonight, which was exciting, not only for the game on the field, but getting to spend time with my family. College football games have become almost a family event. My dad usually always attends, as well as my brother, my sister - in - law and my nephews and niece. We all get together before the game and tailgate, then sit at the game together. This is really the most time we get to spend together as a family.

As I was watching the game it came time for the field goal kicker to attempt a 42 yarder and help the team pull ahead. He missed. Of course most everyone on one side of the stadium was quite upset, blaming everything on him. What most people forget is that kicking is based on a lot of factors, first the snap, then the holder, then of course the kicker. Let's not forget the line which has to keep someone from blocking the kick. If one thing is off, then chances are, so is the kick.

The same is true for relationships. A lot of times when things do not go exactly as planned, we want to point our fingers at one thing instead of looking at the big picture. In fact we take a lot for granted, including each other.

As time goes on and 2 people become more comfortable with each other, we often take for granted the little things that make a relationship special, or makes our partner feel special. A phone call just to say your thinking about them. A thank you for a trip to a movie, or a good time hanging out. A hug just to say "I love you". A lot of time just the simplist thing can make all the difference, perhaps showing up for dinner on time when someone is cooking for you.

We all are guilty of getting to "comfortable" and taking the people around us for granted.

It isn't a difficult thing to show someone you care and make them feel special. It is more difficult to get through the hurt feelings when we don't.

"quirks"

my mind is full of thoughts tonight and I'm having trouble sorting through them. AJ is away in DC for a few weeks and I miss him incredibly. I speak with him on the phone a few times a day. Everytime I hear his voice, I can almost feel his happiness through the phone. He's really enjoying being back in DC and seeing friends.

He apparently is also getting a lot of attention for the boys and he is enjoying every second of it. He, like me and 95.6% of all other gay men has a self esteem issue, so when someone gives him some attention.... well, you get the point. I really understand that. However having known AJ for some time now, he can unknowingly give off the wrong vibe, or the wrong impression.

I also sometimes don't understand certain thought processes or what he is looking for out of a situation. For instance, going to a bar alone. I could understand if he knew someone there, or was going with friends, but why alone? Most people go out alone to be around other people or meet other people. I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to meet someone in a bar, most times, whomever he meets is going to get the wrong impression. This I certainly don't understand. I'm afraid if I question him, he'll think I'm suspicious or trying to say he did something wrong, when that is not the case, I just want to understand.

A major component of life in is about "understanding" or "discovery". Which is certainly true in relationships as well.

The begining

Well this is my first entry into my blog. I've been thinking about putting a few thoughts down on paper, so that others may see my life, interesting or uninteresting, and perhaps through all this I'll get to know myself a little better.

I've been seeing a wonderful, untypical guy for 16months and 7 days (but who's counting). Untypical perhaps may not be the best descriptive word for AJ, but the best I can think of at the moment. He keeps my life interesting by challenging my ideas and often making me think harder than I want to. I can thank him for making me examine why I feel the way I do about certain things. We are very different individuals, but yet we have so many similarities. We really compliment each other well. I do sometimes wish he understood what makes me tick, (of course I often question whether I know what makes me tick). Perhaps he will read this and gather some insight into someone that loves him very much.

I regard myself as a simple guy, however I realize more everyday that I'm not as simple as I once thought, in fact, I've discovered that I'm quite complicated. Sometimes unsure of where my ideals orginated, or how my opinions and views were formed. Why is Why? What is is?

I think I have strong morals and standards, and try to stick to them, however as humans we often fail. That doesn't mean that we quit trying or stop striving to do better, not only by those around us, but more importantly, ourselves.

Just a little history about me. I consider myself a southerner, which as most people know, is a culture on it's on. Unfortunately, this day and age, true southern hospitality is hard to come by. I was born and raised in Alabama, which by all accounts is like most other places. It has it good points and bad points, which will be evident as time goes on. I'm 36 and am blessed to work in healthcare. I truly enjoy the work I do and the people I care for. The healthcare industry does have it's problems, but there are those that are in the field for the right reasons.

My view of life is in stages, and I've reached the "self discovery" stage. I'm searching for what life has to offer and what I have to offer life, perhaps I mean my "purpose" and our purpose as human beings. There is certainly more to existance than the obvious, and hopefully we all discover what exactly is.