WAKE UP!!!!

I must admit, this teen suicide business has really been on my mind a lot. I'm about to share something, that many people do not know, but I'm sure it will become evident why this subject is "troubling".

I grew up always knowing I was different, it would be a long time before I realized I was gay, but just because I knew it, didn't mean that I didn't want to fit in. As I became a teenager and started middle school, I dreamed of fitting in. Take it, I was never bullied, only occasionally called names, but none the same, I felt as an outcast.

During the 8th grade I remember asking my mom to sew "rebel" on the back of one of my jackets. I was desperate to be "cool" and someone who seemed like one of the regular guys. At some point I got it in my head, that maybe I would come across as more "normal" if I did things I saw others do. I specifically thought (through pubescent bad reasoning) that maybe if I presented myself as one of the "stoners" I would find some friends.

To carry out this task, I looked through my moms medications and actually grabbed a PDR (at least I did some research). I managed to find her Amitriptyline and reading about it. HMMMMM... maybe this will help. I carefully planned out which day I was going to do this, it happened to be a day I had a civics test. Somewhere between 1st and 2nd period i grabbed the Amitriptyline from my pocket and found a water fountain. There, done, all 11 tabs, 10mg each I believe. I then went in to take my exam. Somewhere along the way everything becomes a blur. I remotely remember asking to go to the rest room because I was nauseated. I remember being back in class and Mr. Valakis asking me if I were OK. The next thing I remember was waking up in my hospital room with both of my parents looking worryingly at me, which was very unusual at this point in my life. My parents were divorced and usually only talked to argue over child support or visitation. So to have both of them in the same room, not arguing was serious.

The next morning my doc came around and took me out to the hall to ask me what happened and I made up some lame story about someone giving me some hard candy. There was no way I was going to share anything with this guy.

My mom took me home and on several occasions she would ask me about it again. I stuck to my story for awhile, but eventually I told her I took the meds (probably years later). My dad never really talked about the incident.

I was just not ready to share with them my thoughts, fears, worries, I knew I was gay, but growing in a household with strong southern roots and in the Bible belt, I was fearful of what they may think or do.

I finally shared my sexually with my dad when I was 16. My mom not until I was well into my 20's.

While this wasn't a direct suicide attempt, it could have easily turned into just that, just from feeling like an outcast.

I can only sit back and attempt to imagine what these kids go through with bullying etc. So from someone who has been "almost" there, I can relate.

As a teenager it is hard to see beyond the 'here and now' and outside of your life as you know it There are better places to be and better people to surround yourself with and will will find both. There are people who care, even though you have never met them, or perhaps never will.

I know my words here don't do the situation justice, but I do want every teenager going through trouble, regardless of what that trouble is, whether it be sexuality or not... LIFE DOES GET BETTER.

Sunday Morning Pancakes..

I just noticed that my last post was May 21st.. where had the time gone? These last few months have been a whirlwind. Bode's baptism made us realize that we had outgrown our rancher that we had so carefully remodeled. While we weren't "actively" looking, we stumbled across a home that met all our needs, with the exception that it needed MAJOR updating.

Our great realtor made the deal happen and sold our home in 1 day. Then the fun began. We've been painting, building, moving, doing demolition, decorating, plumbing, tiling and repainting. While the house is getting to where we can "relax" a bit and take a pause we have been living in a construction zone.

Despite all this, since we moved in late August, I've started a tradition of every Sunday Morning cooking pancakes. Tekla has got to where she expects them and often looks at me and ask "pancakes"? This has helped me to manage to hold on to my sanity for a whee bit longer. Especially this week, painters are here in the morning and the hardwood floors start going in Wednesday!