Falalala lalalala..

down we now our gay apparel....I always related to that line....

The holidays are here, and just a few weeks ago, I was dreading them as they approached. Now I am actually looking forward to them, for more than 1 reason.

First reason - AJ and I are spending the holiday's together. Christmas eve, and Christmas day we are going to cook and enjoy a christmas dinner together. Not huge plans, but vVERY special all the same.

Second reason - My 87 year old grandmother, who's health has rapidly gone down hill over the past few months (she been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, dementia and heart failure) Heck she's 87 what do you expect? Up until about a year ago, she was living alone and carrying for herself, now she is almost totally dependent on the people around her. Her home recently burned down and she lost almost everything that had any significant meaning for her. I grew up watching this strong, independent women who was very unhappy and mean. From what I've said you must be thinking "how can he be happy about her circumstances". I'm happy for 2 reasons... she's happy for the first time in her life. She's a sweet little old lady and I actually enjoy being around her. the other reason is that she recently got out of the hospital so I actually get to spend some time with her and will be able to remember her as "happy"

Merry Christmas to everyone who may read this.. and a very special merry christmas to AJ. I love you.

Nothing Insightful

to say today. I haven't written anything in a few days, but things have certainly been "developing". AJ and I, as I mentioned before, have been talking more. We actually attended our first conseling session yesterday, which I hope turns out to be productive. AJ has had some major revelations over the past few weeks. Very good insights into himself. A lot of this is thanks to some very good friends who have been able to help him see things objectively.

I myself have been on a mission of "discovery" of my own. I, like AJ, often find myself in need of "external validation". This seems to be a common genotype on the gay gene.

My ignorance to AJ's signals of love and affection has also become evident. Yes, I do think he can do a better job of showing me respect and making me feel prioritized and special to him, but I do need to acknowledge the steps he has taken.

Will AJ and I work through OUR issues and problems, first as individuals, then as a couple and make it after all (sounds like the Mary Tyler Moore theme). Only time will tell, but the odds seem to have certainly shifted!

Maybe I'm from Missouri...

I am the type of person that sees people by their actions more than their words. AJ has recently revealed to me that he sees how he did not make me feel "special" in our relationship. He discovered an email I sent to him in October, basically crying out for help. Unfortunately, it has taken to this point for him to realize how I was feeling.

During our relationship he often "said the right things" but his actions displayed something totally different. I want go into specifics here, but I didn't only want to here his words, I wanted to see it in his actions.

Yesterday as we were talking, he again tells me how much he wants me back, how much I mean to him and he is sorry for everything that didn't go correctly. He was sorry for not making me feel like I was his priority and he would do anything to get me back, that he is a changed man and will do whatever he can to show me what I mean to him. Within a few minutes he tells me about the successful Doctor from Chicago, with the "body of a greek god" that he is driving to Atlanta to meet this weekend. during the last few times we have talked, I consistently hearing of someone else he has met, or someone he thinks is impressive. Is this showing me how much I mean to him? Is he only doing this to hurt me? I don't know, but regardless, it isn't a good thing.

I know I told him not to wait on me and for him to be the person that he needs to be. Again, he is sending mixed signals to me.... do I believe his words or his actions? Words that sound wonderful, but actions that hurt me. The question I must answer for myself is, regardless of my feelings for him, can I share my life with someone who says one thing and does another.

At this point I have 3 options. 1/ Forget all my concerns and ask him to come back to me. (not likely to happen here until I answer some questions for myself). 2/ Continue along the path I am on now, hoping a brick will hit me in the head, or him. Perhaps then we could see what we need to do and do it. 3/ walk away.

Perhaps he will fall in love with the "Greek God" and my decision will be obvious.

emotional confusion...

Well I couldn't take the feelings I was having any longer without talking to someone, someone I felt that needed to hear them. AJ and I met yesterday and I shared with him my feelings....the ones I'm trying to sort through, trying to understand. We had a very Productive, long and emotional talk, that continued after returning home. We discussed many facets of our current and past situation, where we thought things had gone wrong, and if there was anything we could do to make us as individuals better, for our future relationships, whether that be with each other, or others.

I felt good when the conversation was over. I think maybe AJ understands me a bit more, and I him. I continue to be VERY confused. I know there are feelings present in me that goes beyond the idea of just "missing" him or jealousy. What those feelings are I don't know at this point. The other thing I have to address eventually is, can I function successfully and happily in a romantic relationship with AJ? Can I give him what he needs (trust, support, understanding from a HAPPY partner) and still get everything I need from such a relationship. That remains to be seen.

AJ and I agreed to continue to talk and discuss our feelings and work on ourselves. I also told him to please carry on with his life and don't wait on me. I don't know at this moment where this emotional roller coaster will stop. I told him that I understood, and actually encouraged him to see other people. However, when he mentions other people he has met or is going to meet it evokes feelings that I cannot suppress and I have unfairly expressed those feelings to AJ. Here I am trying to be supportive one second and the next being an ass. I guess it is all interrelated.

Could someone do the easy thing for me???

New beginings??

Well it has been over 2 days since I spoke with AJ. I came to Atlanta for the 1st time since we met by myself. While I've enjoyed my time away from home and seeing friends and spending tiime with new ones, I must say I miss AJ incredibly.

I can't quite explain the feelings I'm having right now... I know I miss him, but there is something more to it... something that is nagging, burning, feelings that are cropping up that are unrecognizable.

Everybody plays the fool..

Well it has been a difficult couple of weeks I must say. It seems that regardless of how much faith you put into someone, they will inevitibly let you down.

Last night I had to do the most difficult thing that I care to remember. I had to sit and look AJ in the eyes and tell him that I am not in love with him. It seems he could understand this entire situation without me saying those words. I feel I've hurt him horribly. It is not in my nature to cause another human pain. My natural instinct is to love and heal, not harm. I feel like I ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped on it. I will truly always regret having to say those words and cause the pain that I did, and that he still feels. AJ is the most wonderful man I've ever met and it is hard to imagine that the mechanics and emotional needs aren't being met between us. I thought he was everything I would ever need by my side, but I guess most of all, I need someone that I can love as much as they love me. I am sorry for all the tears I've caused.

As usual, while I was crying like a little bitch, CA phoned with his uncanny timing. He always knows when to call somehow, even though he is 2000 miles away. Thanks to him for being there when I need him. He is truly a very special friend and will always will be.

I had a great weekend with my wonderful friend Myra, who I've known for 18 years. She came down from Chicago and we had a fantastic visit. Sharing old times, and new experiences together. Long and "enlightening" conversations. Myra has certainly grown over the years, and she has been an inspiration to me. Opening up new horizons I never imagined.

Life goes on, just at a new crossroads and I'm not sure which way to turn. I know the path may be lonely, but I'm prepared for that.